I hate her.

I despise her.

With every fiber in my being I loathe that sneaky, vindictive, lying, promiscuous, troll-fucking BITCH.

To be fair, I think I'm more angry at myself.  I knew it was a bad idea to go to the fire to seek any kind of pleasant company.  The women who frequent that venue are far more attracted to the Muscleheads and brutes that go there to flex, bulge, and demonstrate their strength and prowess.  Trying to get a ride with intelligent conversation there is like trying to build a fire with nothing but wet logs.  You're not even likely to get a spark.

Nonetheless I went, ate my dinner, had a few drinks, saw Amaya (remember her?) and actually managed to make some headway before Rannu, that big stupid bull, decided that he wanted to go back to his tent with her last night.  (Most likely juts to spite me, there were plenty other air-headed strumpets hanging about that night, he could have easily had his pick.)  The situation quickly became a brawl, and though I'm not as weak as i was in my younger hears, I still ended up with a blackened eye, a busted lip, a pair of balls swollen to the size of watermelons, and a badly wounded ego.  With no other real recourse and my quarry stolen by another hunter, I limped over to the Kegs and began to consume mass quantities of that fermented Kodo-piss that my tribe jokingly refers to as ale.

After that the aperture of my recall seems to close and the memories get a little fuzzy.   I don't remember leaving Stonetalon, but i remember being in Ratchet.  I also remember finding Netah there, and her little undead suitor (as if the troll wasn't bad enough, Netah, you could at least bed down with something that has a pulse) and we talked, though I cannot pinpoint the exact nature of the conversation.

I woke up the next morning at my campsite and found, to my dismay, that my old journal, the one I kept hidden from Dakos while he was training me, was gone.  sifting through my spotty recollections I remember I had given it to Netah.

I can't tell you what I was thinking, as I was inebriated to the point of blacking out.  Maybe I thought I could win a bit of sympathy for what I am trying to accomplish here.  Unfortunately, expecting sympathy from that cross-breeding whore is about as foolish as expecting a Blood Elf not to look down his nose at you.  As such I may now be up to my horns in shit.

That book has things i had written in fits of anger, spelling out my earliest frustrations with the tribe and it's leadership.  It had my plans to run away, my plans to change the direction of the tribe, daily accounts of beatings I had received, as well as several more... embarrassing anecdotes fro those awkward years.  I had kept it as a reminder as I grew older, so i wouldn't deviate from my plans, knowing full well that should a tribe elder, like Dakos, get a hold of it, my angry writings would be seen as nothing short of treason and I'd be thrown, literally, off of the Pinnacle.

And now that book is in the hands of someone who hates my guts, likely just as much as I hate hers.  She told me, in a somewhat violent confrontation at the barrens that she would use it to keep me under her thumb.  She has become more than annoyance to me, she is now a threat.  I cannot let her expose me to the Elders.  There's no other way about it.  I have to Kill her.

location: A small campsite in the Barrens mood: pissed off tags: aaang

She's still there.

Means she's seen everything.   She saw me make a deal with Sunastra.  She saw me end up the pawn of a demon.  Worst of all, she saw what I did to Rhekka.

I think a year ago I'd have been happy to know that her spirit was still there, watchin' over me. Maybe I'd have felt less lonely which is what got me into this Gods damned mess to begin with.  Maybe I wouldn't have made such damned fool decisions.  Mabve if a Jubling had wings he wouldn''t bump his ass when he hopped.

I wonder why she stuck with me through all that.  Why spend the glorious afterlife that her honorable death entitles her to following around a man who with each passing day just becomes older, more useless, and more depressing to be around.

Speakin'of that maybe I should spend less time at the Kodo.  I'm starting to depress the hell out of Phinn and Sid, and thats the last thing the two of them need.  They got each other, they got their smokes, and their magic pony kegs.  I allways end up being at best a third wheel, or at worst a major Buzzkill for them kids.  Nevermind te fact that I was tryin' to sleep with Phinn when we all first met.

Oh and Naasha must've REALLY loved watchin' that.

location: Orgrimmar mood: gloomy

Ran into netah last night while on business in Ratchet, she seemed rather unnerved.  Seems that the brainless Orc who's hoplessly in love with our newest sister sent the mangled body opf a windserpent to her as a scare tactic, along with a note saying he would "destroy all that we (meaning those who participated in Sihu's trial) loved."

I'm shaking.

Clearly this greenskin has a very limited understanding of our tribe.  First, while the windserpent does hold significance to us in a totemic sense, we're not going to be getting all weepy and frightened becasue one orc is able to kill one.  In fact thats more likely to piss us off than to strike fear into our hearts.  Secondly, the only way he could make good on such a threat is if he knew who all of us were, and that is highly unlikely.  Finally, and this is where he shows his ignorance most, The Grimtotem do not love.

We are taught from an early age that it is foolish to develope personal attachments to people and things.  An attachment is nothing but a weakness, a way by which your enemies can hurt you.  Just look at what that fool Snow has suffered due to his misguided love for that Elf.  Doubtless his story will be told to the young as a cautionary tale for generations to come.

So, what did that thick-skulled green gorilla accomplish by sending such a threat to us?  He merely displayed his weaknesses.  He displayed his Ignorance, his fragile grip on reality, his attatchment to Sihu, and by way of offering to spare Netah's life, his biggest weakness was found to be compassion.  We should thank Mr. Bloodaxe I think.  He saved us a ton of recon that would have been necessary to expose  his soft spots.

Speaking of Netah I offered to share my campsite with her last night.   She'd never admit it, but she does seem troubled by the orc's threats.  I had also been wanting for some intelligent company after being around Darkcloud pinnacle for  the last few days and she does have a good brain between those horns of hers.  She seemed to want company as well, though more the carnal variety than intellectual.

Her advances suprised me, but I would have been hard-pressed to turn her down.  It had been far too long since I felt a woman's warmth.  I found the Evening to be quite pleasant.

location: A small campsite in the barrens tags: aang

Received the call last week.  Lucky me.  An entire nation of Grimtotems and I get picked to sit on the trial of the woman who took out Dusk.  Fantastic.

Not that I found the task itself unpleasant.  The girl, Sihu, decided to save us a whole mess of trouble and turned herself in, probably expecting to be executed.  What she hadn't counted on was Old Dakos and his cruel sense of irony.  I enjoyed that immensely, watching a gal who's obviously been fed plenty of anti-grintotem propeganda by the Cairne-lovers end up joining us.  The Old Bull definitely gets points for style.

The problem I had was going to the Pinnacle.  Never been comfortable there.  The Shu'halo were nomads since time in memoriam, and places like that seem just too permanent.  For whatever reason I tend to feel the wanderlust pretty strongly still.  I can't seem to stay in one place for more than a few days before my hoove's begin to itch and I gotta move onto the next place.  It is fortunate that my work for the Matriarch keeps me travelling.  Ancestors forbid I should ever settle in one place, become complacent...  let my guard down.

Furthermore, I tend to see a lot more of our young on that place and I find that a cause for great concern.   I Suppose every generation worries about the one that follows it, but I don't know.  Seems all our calfs these days are ending up as brutes and muscleheads, like Dusk had been.  They're full of strength and eager to help the tribe retake our ancestral lands, but I wonder if even a handful of them understands exactly what those lands are worth.

What they fail to get is that while it it is definitely our RIGHT to take back our lands, it is also our RESPONSIBILITY to care for them.  We are the ones who are best suited to watch over the Earthmother's creation, and keep it free of corruption and disease.  That is the solemn duty of those tribesmen who walk the druidic path.  There is certainly a need for the angry young bulls that populate our ranks, but I fear that our mystics, shamans and druids are dwindling while the others attack the greenskins and tuskers.  I wonder who will be left to tend to the wounds of the land.

Sihu happens to be a druid, that could be useful.  Maybe once the shock has worn off i'll be able to find some common ground with her.

location: A Small campsite in the Barrens tags: aang

Thanks to my Mates, things have gone back to normal...  well  as normal as things get around here, at any rate.  My memories are back the way they were.  My hand's still black though    Can't figure a way to fix that, but Sunastra's about as dead as grilled clefthoof tenderloin, so she;s not around to controll me anymore..  At least I hope...

Rhekka didn't take too kindly to me being locked up  and was making a plan to bust me out   I didn't know how serious she was untill I acctually SAW the collection of explosives she had ammassed.  she could have blown the whole Island out of the water.  We gathered them up and stashed them in a safe place...  you know... just in case.

Vaien Darkwind is the biggest dickhead on two worlds, announcing to eveyone and their mothers that I had...   dishonorable intentions toward Sara last night.  I'll admit,  I am fond of her.  For a time I may have let myself get too fond.  Its my own damn fault for getting too attatched to her, but even then, it was about so much more than just lust.

I guess its becasue she reminded me a lot of Naasha.   I've come to realize how blessed I was to have had her, even if our time together was cut short.  Lightening like that isn't likely to strike again, especially not in the short time i got left before I enter the Twisting Nether.   Thats just something I'm going to have to accept.  We all saw what happened when I let my loneliness get the better of me, I CAN'T let myself go that down that road again.  Everytime it ends up bad.

It's about time I learned to suck it up and be alone.


((further down the page added as an afterthought))

Still gonna give Vaien a good kickin'...

Rhekku you Gods-damned idiot!   You moronic schmuck!  You shoulda tore that letter to peices and let it be.  Naasha is DEAD.   She had a GOOD death.   She earned a place of Honor in the afterlife.  Why the hells can't you just let her rest in peace!

It was No and Pook!  they're to blame!   Coming out from behind the Kodo reeking of each others love.  Practically flaunting it in my face!  They reminded me  of the times Naasha and I would sneak off for a good screwin'.   Seeing those two with their faces flushed was more than i could stand.  I sent the letter to Sunastra.  I'm going to meet with her.

Then again ALL I've asked is for the meeting.  I'll just go and maybe suss things out.   Maybe she can't even bring her back.  Maybe she can bring her back as some kind of undead orc.   I know naasha wouldn't want to exist like that.  But then again  maybe she CAN bring her back.  Alive in mind, body and soul.   

I gotta know.

mood: envious

It's been a while since I wrote in this damn thing.  Why the hell would you keep a journal if you aren't gonna write in it anyway?  I Guess the problem was that the fel-blood had my thoughts muddled up to much for me to collect them and write them down.   It didn't help when Sawbones told me the shit was killing me.  I couldn't go out and hunt without feeling that pain in my chest; that tightness that weakened my whole body.  Silkk and Vic kept me standing, but it didn't stop the process.   I was still dying and slowly at that.

Thats not the kind of death I wanted.   Hells, thats the kind of death I came out of retirement to avoid!

What bugged me most about it was feeling gods-damned useless through the whole ordeal.  Pook flatly said no when i offered to help get her husband out of wherever his tribe had stuck him.  I didn't have to read between the lines to know that she was telling me that she didn't need a boken down old fart with a bum ticker slowing her down.  Even worse, when my brother came to attack Rhekka, I was barely able to lift my own axe to defend her.  I will NOT let that trecherous pig take another child from me.  I decided it was time to bite my lip, swallow my pride and get help.

Sihu, one of the Kodo's crew, suggested that I go to Moonglade and seek the help of the druids there.  They told me in my case they would have to put me into a "hibernation" while they worked their healing magics on me.  Kinda like walking the emerald dream, but a lot more personal.  I was uneasy about being out of commission for so long, but even moreso about being alone inside my own head for any given length of time.  After what happened in that dream, I almost wished I was alone.

Rhakshassu was there.   He's been in me since he caught me at Zeth'gor.  Not quite sure how he managed it, maybe he put a bit of his own blood in that fellblood cocktail he forced down my gullet.  The hibernation was what he had been waiting for.   I still can;t remember everything that happened in the dream.   I know he taunted me with visions of my failures, of the atrocities I commited as part of the Old Horde, but I know that somehow I found the strength to fight back.

This part of the dream I remember vividly.   It was the same field in Nagrand where I had challenged him all those years ago.  The same place where I showed him mercy that he never deserved.  This time around  I had none to give him.

I wish you could have been there Naasha.  I wish you could have seen it.  I didn't use an axe or a bow.   A'tuin wasn't at my side.   I killed him with my own bare hands.  It was loud, messy, and nasty; The kind of death HE deserved.  I;d like to think that I'm not as barbaric as I was back then, but Gods, I got so much satisfaction hearing him beg for his live as I crushed the life out of him.

Of course that only happened in the dream.  For all I know, the bastard's still alive out there.   I'll find him one of these days, and pay him back for good, with 40 years worth of interest compounded in blood.  And when his eyes go dead the Hell I send him to will seem like heaven after what I've done.

So now here I am, alive and well again and thinking clearly for the first time in ages.   I probably would have lost it and become like the Fel orcs in Hellfire If I hadn;t had so many freinds and allies to fall back on.   Uloro, The Crew, my Daughter,  and Saraquael.

I don't think Sara even realized how much help she has been to me over the past few months.   Even if all she did was provide drinks and a sympathetic ear, its what kept me going.  When nothing else in my life was consistent, I could allwasy count on a cold ale and a warm smile from her when I went to the Kodo.  She considers herself to be plain and unnatractive, but for those nights, she was the most beutiful thing I had ever-

Cut it out, you old fool.   She's young enough to be your daughter, and there's not much you could offer her anyway.  Mooning over her is only gonna make you feel even more lonely than you already are.  Besides Naasha would never

There I go again, living in the past.   Naasha is dead and gone and ain't nothing gonna bring her back.   Erunamo's mother was talkin' right out of her ass when she made that offer.   She can't possibly be strong enough to conquer death.

Could she?

location: Nagrand

After the Zeth'gor experience I thought it might be a good idea to leave Hellfire Penninsula behind.  Rhakshassu's not there anymore as it is.  He seemed to have dropped out of sight again, and i haven't been able to pick up the trail yet.  That means I'm just gonna have to wait for HIM to make the next move.   That's frustrating as hell, and I'm sure that the smug fucker is enjoying it.  He's got me suspicious, paranoid, and a bit more cranky than usual (not sure if the fel-blood has worked its way out of my system yet.   Must make a note to get Sawbones to check me out). I'm still recovering though, so charging after him again is the last thing I should do.   doesn;t mean i;m gonna stop searching though.

At least I'm not searching alone.  Uloro Sundancer's been a constant companion of mine.  He's a far cry form my old war buddies, but  the Princess and I have a pretty good thing going.  Our lifestuyles don't exactly mesh, of course;  The daily grind of an orc probably seems pretty spartan and barbaric when compared the Elf Aristocracy.  When it comes down to it though, he's good at what he does, works damn hard when he does it, looks out for his crew, and is loyal almost to a fault.   These are qualities anyone of any race can find admirable, and he;s pulled my ass out of the fire enough times that I have no problem sitting next to him at the Drunken Kodo, and calling him my friend.

Oh and he's about as gay as a maypole, but who gives a shit?  Not me.

The Schm   Erunamo, I'm told was also a big help in getting me out of Zeth'gor.   Honor dictates that I now owe him a debt.    Fan-fucking-tastic.  Even after he insulted my daughter's honor, and got a good deal of amusement watching me bark like a warg after my rescue, I gotta stand before him and thank him, be civil, and let him know that I owe him.  Thats gonna suck. Having that debt hanging over my head's gonna be even worse.  Even if I don't say it to a face anymore, he's still a disrespectful, stuck-up, idiotic schmuck and he reminds me so much of myself when i was younger it makes me want to puke!

Taking my search into Zangarmarsh now.   It's a nice break from Hellfire's blasted landscape, and its reminding me a bit more of the Draenor I remember.  Gonna have to send Rhekka another letter.

mood: contemplative